How to Explain to Your Mother That You're Not a Porn Star
How To Explain To Your Mother That You’re Not A Porn Star
Boudoir isn’t scandalous or “just about sex.” Its about beauty and empowerment.
We live in a culture that is both totally obsessed with sex, and is terrified of being seen as sexual. As a boudoir photographer, I run into that conflict almost every day I go to work: clients or would-be want to feel sexy and beautiful, but their fears of being perceived as something they are not, make it a challenge for them to fully embrace the experience.
If you’re feeling this way, don’t feel bad. It’s normal to feel a push-and-pull from these two conflicting messages that society teaches us. There are many layers to this subject, and the intensity varies based on each individual and their life experiences.
Let’s address a few common concerns and get to the truth about boudoir photography… and why it’s not porn.
Isn’t boudoir photography all about sex?
The short answer is “no,” boudoir photography isn’t ALL about sex. But can it be about sex sometimes? Sure. I take photos of women in lingerie, or sometimes nude. I ask what makes them feel sexy. I ask what parts of themselves they find really hot. Sometimes they tell me that their partner really likes their booty or their boobs, so they ask me to get some great photos of those parts of them. It’s safe to say that all of those things have the potential to be sexy, sexual, or sensual… but they don’t HAVE to be.
When we reduce the female form to being just an object of sex, we disempower and oppress women. It would be natural then – since our society does this a lot – to equate any exposure of the body to being about sex, porn or some kind of vulgarity. But that is not what boudoir photography is about. It is about women taking ownership of their bodies, back from a society that objectifies them, and saying “this body belongs to me, and I am going to celebrate it however I want to celebrate it.” Sometimes that means being flirty and feminine, sometimes it means being bawdy and playful, and sometimes it means being boldly sexy. Boudoir is about whatever that individual client decides it is about for them.
What will other people think?
Potential judgment from other people is a valid fear for many clients. Some come from a more conservative upbringing where women were told that their value was tied to their modesty, others grew up in a small town where there’s a lot of gossip, or they have a high-profile career. Sadly, sometimes, they might also have a discouraging, controlling or jealous partner (please dump him).
Other clients may not have these types of dynamics, but regardless, boudoir sessions are a challenge to the clients that book them to put their own needs and desires first. Some clients want more privacy or security than others, and that is something that I make sure to take care to respect. Your photos don’t go on the internet unless I have your permission, I don’t let other people see your photos during any part of the process (unless you say it’s ok), and where you store your photos is your choice, so you can take the precautions you want to keep them away from eyes that you don’t want to see them.
My mother literally thinks that taking photos like these means I am doing porn. How can I explain that it isn’t?
First, a great suggestion might be to have her (or whoever your concerned family member or friend may be) read this blog post! When people we love make generalizations like this, it is usually because they don’t fully understand what boudoir photography is, and they are concerned for your well-being out of good intentions, love, and a desire to protect you.
I personally discourage you from making the decision not to do a boudoir session when you want to based on someone being genuinely unkind, shaming or judgmental of you. It’s your body and your life.
However, if it is someone that cares a lot about you and seems confused or afraid of what boudoir photography is, you might explain that it is a glamour photography session for women, with a female photographer and beauty team, in a private setting. You can let them know that they are photos that help you to love your body, help you feel beautiful and powerful, and maybe even heal some emotional wounds or hang-ups you have about yourself or your body. Explaining that they are becoming common and are popular with modern women, that your safety and boundaries are honored by the photographer (who again, is also a woman), and that it will be a positive experience for you, usually helps concerned moms and other people who want to protect you to understand… even if they may not fully agree with your decision.
I want to do it but I am worried someone in my life will get upset.
In the end, having a boudoir session is your decision, and yours alone. Whatever you decide to do, just know that nothing outside of you determines your worth or worthiness (not even boudoir photos themselves). You are always just as beautiful and valuable as you’ll always be, whether you have the approval of others or not. If a boudoir photography session is calling to you and it is something you know you’d love to do, let that be your guide. Can you offer reassurance to people close to you that you’ll be safe, honoring yourself however you see fit, and are knowledgeable about the experience? Sure. But the only person who can truly give you the permission to do a boudoir session, is you, because it is whatever you decide it means to you.
